Damnit.

I don’t even dream the same dream and it just doesn’t go away. fuck.

Dreams.

Fuck you.

Get the fuck out of my head.

please.

Supposed to get messed up as hell.

After leaving home, I thought that I would forget everything, and concentrate on friends and schoolwork at UMD.  This didn’t happen.  I have messed up dreams and can’t stop thinking about all of the stupid shit that’s been bothering me and hasn’t stopped bothering me.

SO.

In an attempt to distract myself, I was going to go to the pdp house party and get wasted so that I would forget for at least one night.  I don’t know what happened to those plans exactly, but instead of heading to the azn frat, I went to some random white frat house and just chilled with the guy there.  I only had a few nattys so I was only slightly tipsy and was in complete control of everything I was doing.  ehh not important.  ANYWAYS.  The main point of this story is that I didn’t get messed up to run away from my problems, but instead controlled myself and just partied at a reasonable level to enjoy myself.

Ah. Messed up unorganized thoughts.  I still am constantly reminded by random things.  Facebook is a bitch.  Maybe unfriending is the right decision. Hm.  Fuck decision making.  I liked it better when I didn’t have to make decisions because failure in decisions makes regret and failure.  ah. fuck. whatever.

Leaving for UMD in a few hours.

Hm. I don’t know what to think, but I’m pretty sure that leaving Holmdel will help me get out of this emotional slump.  For the past couple of weeks I’ve been regretting many of the things I’ve done in the past.  Now, I’m not saying that I wish still things happened, but I imagined that it would’ve ended much differently and wouldn’t have created such weird and awkward tension for many people when talking to me.  Ah fuck.

So yea I’m pretty lame for having self-pity.  I blame myself for everything I’ve done and feel sorry for myself as if it’ll make it all better.  I know that I should think about things differently, but that doesn’t mean I actually do what I intend.  Roar I can’t write right now. Maybe I’ll write again later. Idk.

Main idea is that this is actually all my fault, and I just need to accept my failures and move on.  Hopefully UMD will help me get away from it all and keep it off my mind.

So it’s christmas…

and I’m not feeling it.

I haven’t posted anything in a long time and felt that maybe I should.  I think I’m in a mild state of depression.  I’m not sure, but I do have reasons as to think I am.  I am still extremely stressed even though the semester is over.  How do I know?  My hair still falls out like crazy and my skin is really dry even though I drink a lot of water.  So if this stress isn’t caused by school, then what is causing it?

Most freshmen mess up first semester.  MOST.  Coming from holmdel, I thought that I would be excluded from this group due to the competition I had to deal with in high school.  This was obviously not the case as I didn’t do as well as I had hoped.  The thing is, I could’ve done so much better if I had just tried a little harder and actually woke up for my classes.  My ENES 100 grade was brought down because I missed a few construction dates, and my SOCY 100 grade died because I didn’t go to enough discussion sections.  Diff eq was just difficult as hell for me so there wasn’t much else I could do about that.  But aside from Diff eq, soche and enes 100 could’ve been easy A’s.  I know that there is no point in regretting my actions and I know to learn from these mistakes, but just for how long will these lessons last?  How long will these poor grades haunt me to push me to do better?

I am all over the place right now, but I think I’ll write about something else for now.  Recently, I’ve been asking myself the question that most people ask high school failures and dropouts that failed due to drugs and such.  What am I doing with my life?  I know that my situation is no where as bad as those people’s are, but I still don’t know how to answer that question.  Maybe I ask myself this because of my performance in school.  I’m not sure about that, but I am sure that it’s not only school that makes me feel this way.  Maybe it’s the way I’ve been treating people.  I mean I could be a much nicer person, but I am not as loving or helpful as I should be.  There are many situations in which I could have stood up and helped a friend, but I just ignored it due to my selfish and lazy nature.  So I’ll just take the time now to say I’m sorry.  I should’ve thought about what I was doing before I did it and should’ve thought about how it would end.  I thought I had learned my lesson in the past, but apparently I had not, so I will just have to try harder to remember my failure the next time I am presented with the same situation.  So I’m sorry and I wish I thought things through better.

Damn I suck at organizing my thoughts.

So I feel pretty useless and worthless this break.  Why? Probably because I’m just going to sit around and do nothing the whole time while others are off with their jobs or research or other responsibilities that they must tend to.  Now I wish that I had some kind of job or something to occupy my time with, but I never took any kind of initiative to find myself something to do.  I think that’s one of the hardest things that leaving high school has presented me with.  Initiative.  In high school, I never had to look up opportunity on my own.  The morning announcements and hallway tack boards would tell me everything I had to know about the different club happenings and meetings as well as events that were occurring within the school.  College has no such main board for all of the school and club events, but instead all of the clubs have their own websites without links to a main site and announcement boards spread all over campus.  It’s pretty difficult keeping up with all of the various clubs and such.

I am not finishing any of my thoughts.  Way too ADD.

JYP & WG

Two words.  Holy. Shit.

That was possibly one of the most awesome things i have ever witnessed irl.

Yea so in case you didn’t know, i went to the city today with paco’s family to go see the JYP powerhouse tour.  At first i didn’t want to go because the tickets were soooo expensive, but after she bought 5 tickets and after Rose realized that she couldn’t go, paco took me along! <3 forever paco!

Kay.  Now i have an awesome Wonder Girls T-Shirt as well as a poster so now i can be awesome in WG swag and stuff.  Paco also has matching stuff so that’s pretty cool.  She also got a JYP entertainment laptop case because it came with a signed 2PM cd.  We got horace the signed So Hot CD becuase they ran out of signed Nobody CDs.  I could’ve got it, but i hesitated and ran out as i was deciding what to get.  Oh well, no use in regretting it.

So the concert itself was good.  I didn’t expect the girls to perform so many songs and have 3 different stages.  They performed a total of about 10 songs, the popular ones like So Hot, Tell Me, and Nobody, and also others like Ee Ba Bo, Irony, Saying that I Love You, and others.  All of the performances were good, except the mic volume was meh for a lot of it.  I think it’s only because there was so much intense bass that it was hard to concentrate on their voices.  So Hee was as young and cute as ever and still can’t sing, but it doesn’t matter because she is Ahn So Heeeeee.  Sun Mi is ridiculously anorexic.  I never noticed how skinny she was in any videos, but once i saw her, she was almost cathay skinny.  The only thing is that her face is super round, so it’s hard to notice her skinniness.  Yeeun is still very…. Yeeun.  It’s hard to describe if she was any different.  Oh, right.  All of the WG’s english wasn’t the best, especially So Hee who failed in the engrish deparment many many times, but it was funny so w/e.  Sun Ye still looks like her eyes are half closed all of the time.  Yoobin was just amazing.  She’s back to her normal self in terms of physique and is an amazing rapper/singer.  The remixed Nobody rap was cool and i didn’t expect the Yoobin dance break during tell me, so that was nice too.  Oh Yoobin, how you excite me so.

Other people who were performed were J Lim, some Korean solo artist, 2PM, crazy 7 person korean boy group, and JYP himself.  J Lim and 2PM only performed their top songs, but 2PM did the Nobody tango dance version with WG.  JYP is like in his late 30’s and is still an awesome singer and dancer.  I only recognized a few of his songs, but all of them were performed really well.  The JYP part of the concert was done in a weird way which worked really well.  He spoke to the audience as one person as if he was taking her on a date.  Both he and her have mates, but they spent one night together.  All of his songs were mixed into the story of going to dinner, clubbing, and finally home into the bed.  During the bed scene, he picked a girl from the audience and tied her to a bed onstage.  Then the bed rose up on one pivot, kind of like a dump truck so that everyone could see what was going on.  That part of the performance was rather wtf, lol, and scandalous at the same time.  It was goo, though.  He did his Hammer dance which is one of the blackest dances i have ever seen.  JYP is just such a good dancer.  Search up JYP hammer dance on youtube to see for yourself.

Lol i just remembered that after the WG did nobody for the second time, they showed on screen a bunch of youtubers who did nobody and posted it.  They brought a lot of them to the concert, including the white guy who makes really stiff movements when dancing and tries to cover korean songs, but fails pretty badly.

Holy moly there were a lot of korean people.  While in line to get in, we were approached by various korean people talking to us in korean.  We were like errrrr no idea what you were saying and they went along on.  It was fun playing the who does this asian look like game.  I think paco won because she got so many good ones.  So, we saw Dave lyu, caroline dong, brian yeh, a bunch of the chuangs, and other azns.  The korean fob fashion was not lacking as there were crazy shirts and hair styles all over the place.  Paco and I decided that we need to learn korean ASAP so that we can go to korea next year, be able to speak fluent korean, and go see a BB and WG concert there.

So all in all, my life is complete for a while.  I don’t think anything will be able to top the greatness of the JYP Powerhouse concert.  Again, thanks so much Paco. <3.

iTouch

Tons of fun.

It came in the mail last thursday which makes it about 50 days after i won on gamevance.  Holy shit it took a long time, but it was well worth it.  I would’ve got it on Wednesday but I wasn’t home to sign for it so i had to leave the slip for the next day.

Anyways, it is just really really awesome.  Jailbreaking it was not difficult and not too risky, so i don’t know why stan is  complaining about it so much.  Get tons of free apps and other stuff.  Intense theme-ing is always fun, like changing keyboards to match the mac book air and making the safari icon be a green block smiley with a safari hat on it.  I thought Dactyl was the greatest game on the iTouch, but i was sorely mistaken.  The large amount of games availble is just insane and there are tons of good choices ranging from racing games to tower defense to other interesting ones like a platformer with no platforms and katamari damacy.  Cooking Mama was ported too which is pretty awesome.  Although there are a shit load of games for the iTouch, it has not released anything to be a formidable opponent to the DS as a gaming system.

The ipod part of the iTouch is nothing new.  The video is pretty good and actually plays videos at a higher framerate than my computer so that’s a plus.  All i have on there right now is a bunch of korean MVs and YGO abridged, so i need to get some more stuff asap.  Too much stuff is a prob though b/c it’s only the 8GB model.  Each “High Quality” 5 min video, 640×480 at 30fps and 192 kbit sound, is about 50-70 mb which makes it a problem to store a lot of videos on it.  It’s okay though b/c i can just cycle videos if i have to i guess.

Jaadu VNC is one of the coolest things ever.  Full keyboard and mouse control of my computer from my iTouch is something i didn’t think was possible, but it works, and has a pretty fast response time.  I can even watch youtube videos through the it, but the screen refresh rate is 300ms so it’s not a good idea and there 32 bit color support so it makes the colors look a bit weird.  It does support multiple displays so that’s good too because i use two.

K anyways that’s enough of that for now.  Time to go work on all of this shit hw that is suddenly piled on us by whitten b/c she is dumb as hell.

OBJECTION!

Not that i got objected or anything.   It is a reference to Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney.  Why you ask? Because i’m going to court lol.

Fuck Distribution Curves

Fuck that shit.  Not like they are important anyways.
So I messed up pretty badly on the stat test and that really sucked. Cut first period drama to study for it too.  I guess if you study too much, you forget what you memorized, or, in my case, don’t pay attention to any of the directions even if they were told 3 times.  Fuck statistics.  Well, statistics are okay, but fuck AP statistics in Holmdel High School. It’s complete shit.

As is Drama.  I have to write some one page monologue shit on a picture i find in a magazine.  I have to put myself in that character and write whatever comes to mind.  I don’t know how this is supposed to stir my creative juices, but all i know is that it isn’t working too well.

That’s all for now. Post more later b/c i have a shit load of stuff to do.  Going to get raped by quarter finals physics league.